The feeling of looking at him in the stroller takes me to another world of joy. His cute smile turns my heart to mush and I feel like all is right in this world. But when I see a pregnant woman nearby, a wave of nostalgia fills me up. I seek out for my long-gone bump and my hand reflexively gravitates towards my belly. Of course, I love my son a lot but to confess, I miss being pregnant. After delivering this little miracle, I have realized the fact that those nine months of carrying a life inside are the most precious and memorable days of a woman’s life.
This feeling is intensifying as he is growing and leaving us sleepless through the night. There were times when I whined to my husband about having gastric troubles, putting on weight, and having bouts of vomiting every day. But now, I daily tell my husband that I liked him more when he was inside my womb. Hospital visits, scans, his kicks, and hiccups are major missing these days. Adjusting to motherhood is quite hard and makes me feel weepy at times.
Pregnancy is not just about giving birth but loving your growing body and feeling beautiful in every way. I remember how felt bad about not being able to dress up in my favorite clothes. Those nine months taught me body positivity and I proudly flaunt me growing belly. As long as I had that bump I was in love with body con dresses. After the toughest first trimester, I had that pregnancy glow and shiny hairs to show off.
Honestly speaking, I love our culture of how everyone cherishes pregnant women. I liked the attention. People scrambled to open the door for me; flight attendants went out of their way to make sure that I was comfortable and hydrated. I got used to the extra care and love and once my baby arrived, I went invisible (though I wanted to be ;)). I miss being pampered by my husband and my friends, I miss eating the extra spicy pani puri (that too from the local thele wala), I miss sleeping with hell lot of pillows and above all, I miss that heartbeats inside my body.
Only 2 months into motherhood and I already have started feeling fat and clumsy. I have lost track of the times as people now watch me as a messy mom with puffy eyes. I am not saying that pregnancy was a cakewalk but I was lucky enough to have an uncomplicated one. Still, I was worried and anxious in the first half of it. Climbing stairs with a 6-pound ball in your stomach is not easy but when I look back I miss all the comforts that come along with it.
Pregnancy is a combination of gains and losses. We gain a little miracle and a relationship but we lose the feeling of containment and control. It is a unique period of holding both; the gains and the losses. It’s intense.